"How and what we think has the power to create and change our reality."
As humans, we also have the capacity to change what we think. Given how powerful our thoughts are, though, changing our minds can feel daunting. We might resist new information as it challenges not only what we think about ourselves and others, but also because it requires that we change our behaviours. Therefore, choosing to change your mind about something can require great courage. It also offers great reward.
In this post, I share with you the insights offered by reflecting on
a theory of mind,
how our thinking helps and challenges us, and
the implications of these insights for coaching.
Theory of mind
We have the capacity to think about what is happening in our minds and the minds of others. This capacity is called a 'theory of mind'. It is called a theory because our beliefs about what is happening within us and others are just that: theories. Our theories only become evidenced when we check these explanations by testing reality. We develop a theory of mind over the course of our lifetimes.
How does our capacity for thought help us?
Self-knowledge: Firstly, our thinking is where we hone our self-knowledge. Our capacity to reflect on our thoughts, emotions and behaviours generates insights into who we are and why we behave as we do. It further allows us to make predictions about the world and to respond accordingly.
Socialising: Secondly, our capacity to think about others' mental states, emotions and behaviours is an important social skill. It helps us to understand other people, predict their behaviour and solve or prevent interpersonal conflicts. In particular, our thoughts about what is happening in the minds of others lead us to understand that others have thoughts, beliefs, and desires that are different from our thoughts, beliefs and desires. This capacity is a key ingredient of social interaction and our ability to form and sustain relationships.
Interpretation: Further, our thoughts help us to interpret what we and others do. We attribute meaning to our actions and the actions of others. The meaning we attribute to our own and others' actions also generates beliefs about who we are and who others are.
How is thinking challenging?
What is challenging, though, is that our thoughts are often assumptions, i.e. they are formed without reference to external proof. If we realise that our assumptions are not necessarily true, then we can pause to check them before acting in response to them.
However, when we fail to check these assumptions, we often make false predictions about what we need to do or what others will do.
We also make false interpretations about the meaning of what we and others do. This leads us to make false interpretations about who we are and who others are.
What are the implications for coaching?
Coaching is a conversation. As a client, you will share information throughout the course of the coaching relationship. Some of this information, inevitably, is based on your assumptions about and interpretations of the meaning of your and others' thoughts, beliefs, desires and actions.
Throughout the coaching process, therefore, I help you to:
detect your assumptions and find ways to check these;
question your interpretations of the meanings you ascribe to your and others' actions and mental states,
shift your predictions so as to shift your responses to yourself and others
The inner and outer critic
Two of the key manifestations of false assumptions and interpretations show up as your inner critic and outer critic. Both of these personas tend to:
judge actions harshly
misinterpret the reasons for behaviours,
assign blame and shame to beliefs, desires and actions, and
develop negative meanings (beliefs) about yourself and others.
By working compassionately and nonjudgementally within the coaching relationship, you are invited to shift from criticism of self and others to nonjudgemental and compassionate observation. In this process,
you become equipped to check assumptions and interpretations with others; and
you, further, become equipped to act from accurate interpretations about what is happening within yourself and others.
Over time, your predictions become more accurate, and your behaviours become more effective responses to what arises within yourself, your life and work, and your relationships.
If you'd like to learn more about how this process unfolds in coaching, then read about What to Expect.
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