"Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it's also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love."
Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
Asking for help makes us vulnerable because by asking for help we are both signaling that we cannot "know or do it all" on our own and are simultaneously exposing ourselves to the possibility of rejection. And if we expect ourselves to be able to solve all problems on our own (whether practical or theoretical, individual or relational, personal or professional). And, if our measure of what makes us worthy of love and belonging is that we do not need the help of others. Then, asking for help can become an excruciatingly vulnerable experience as we confront our fear of being personally rejected or receiving a "No", and as we are forced to engage with our shame at not being 'good enough' or 'as good as others'.
The Fear of Rejection
Our deepest human need is for connection, and the love and belonging that are outcomes of authentic connection with others. Therefore, we are primed to avoid situations in which we risk the possibility of rejection. So, if we fear that asking for help will lead others to feel burdened by us and hence reject us, we are less likely to ask for help. One of the first steps in getting comfortable with asking for help, therefore, is overcoming this fear. And the way to do so is not by believing that we won't be rejected, but rather to change what asking for help actually means. To ask for help, we need to let go of shame.
The Shame of "Not Good Enough"
The expectation that we should be able to do everything on our own is a symptom of perfectionism. People who suffer from perfectionism tend to feel that they are not good enough. And, therefore, asking for help can generate feelings of deep shame. Because, in the mind of a perfectionist, if we ask for help, we are not only displaying that we are not good enough, we also risk others seeing our deep feelings of inadequacy. This double-layered vulnerability feels so excruciating that many people would rather fail on their own than entertain the possibility of succeeding with others. But, by not asking for help, we not only disadvantage ourselves, we also rob others of the opportunity to connect with us by giving us help. In addition, we are far more likely to receive a positive response than we imagine.
The Unlikeliness of "No" & the Feel-Good Factor
A recent study showed that while we might resist or avoid asking for help because we believe that others will say no, most people are far more willing to provide help than we predict.
"Overall, those who had asked for help believed that their helpers were less willing to assist than the helpers later said they were."
Another key finding in the study was that people feel good about helping others. And if that sounds like the kind of common wisdom that shouldn't need a study to prove it, then you are likely someone who feels good about helping others. And you are not that different from most everyone else. It also follows that when you ask for help, you also signal to others that they too can ask for help; that you too are willing to show up as a helper for them.
Asking for help strengthens us
However, like many difficult aspects of our personal and professional lives and relationships with others, asking for help requires practice. Indeed, it is only by asking for help that we can overcome our fear and shame. In psychotherapy, doing something that you fear is called exposure therapy. And, through exposure therapy, we not only overcome our fear and shame, we also build resilience. Therefore, by exposing ourselves to the difficulty of asking for help, we are simultaneously strengthening ourselves.
How does it work?
As I foregrounded earlier, by asking for help, we make ourselves vulnerable. And when we make ourselves vulnerable, we are acknowledging that there is no guarantee that we will receive what we need. We acknowledge that there is no guarantee that we won't indeed be rejected or shamed. But, when we make ourselves vulnerable, we also assert (especially to ourselves) that we are worthy of help and that needing help does not diminish our intrinsic worth. By asserting our worth, the risk of rejection loses its power to keep us from asking for help; and needing help loses the power to shame us.
Asking for help creates a connected future
In addition, by asking for help, we create a future that would otherwise not have been possible. By asking for help, we not only create a possibility that we will receive what we need, we give ourselves and others opportunities to connect more deeply. Because when we are in need, we are more open. And when we give to others, we express and grow our own openness and compassion. Therefore, by asking for help we tip the future in favour of deeper and expanded human connection.
How to Excel at Asking for Help
So, how can you practice asking for help in positive ways?
Firstly, it is necessary to identify a person who is capable of giving you the help you need. So, for example, there is no point asking a friend who has no medical training for medical advice. Similarly, if you need some relationship advice, you are unlikely to get good advice from a person whose relationships are failing. And if you need help completing tasks at work, then you should ask a colleague or your line manager, rather than someone outside of your organisation.
Once you've identified the person who is capable of helping you, take some time to prepare the request. Wayne Baker (author of All You Have to Do is Ask: How to Master the Most Important Skill for Success), advocates a SMART way of asking for help:
Be specific about the help you need
Meaningful: tell others why the help you need is important to you
Action-oriented: tell others what action you need from them. Action can take many forms: listening to you, speaking up for you, giving you something, like money or an introduction, and so on
Realistic: be realistic in your requests for help by answering the question: How realistic is it that this person will be able to give me the help I need? This requires an accurate assessment of the other person's ability to help you.
Time-bound: say by when or for how long you need the help.
By preparing your request for help, you are more likely to get the type of help you need when you need it. You will also have a framework that you can fall back on if the conversation becomes overwhelming for you.
Finally, find a time in which the person is able to focus on your request without distraction. And make it clear that you want to speak with them about some help that you need.
Start small
If asking for help makes you feel panic-stricken, then it will probably work well to start by making small requests of people with whom you feel safe, such as:
Asking a family member to do a household task
Asking a trusted friend to give you advice
Asking your partner to help you with a child-caring task
Try to prepare for those conversations in the same way that you'd prepare for a 'big Ask' of someone with whom you feel less secure, such as a colleague or manager at work.
Practice on social media
It might sound counter-intuitive to get comfortable with asking for help by asking publicly. However, social media offers multiple groups in which people ask for and offer help to one another. In some groups, you also have the opportunity to ask for help anonymously. So, depending on your comfort level and the nature of your request, you can place a request in a social media group in which people regularly ask for and offer help, and where these requests are met with civility and compassion. Try it. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Practice with a friend, family member or colleague
Another way to get comfortable with asking for help, is to practice with a trusted friend, family member or colleague. Prepare for your conversation as outlined above, and then ask the trusted person to pretend to be the person of whom you need to make the request.
Practice is not about perfect
While you practice asking for help, remember that the aim of this practice is not perfection. Firstly, perfection doesn't exist. Secondly, by trying to perfect your requests you risk negating a key aim of asking for help: showing up authentically with another person, vulnerably, and saying, essentially: "I'm a human, too. I also can't do it all on my own. I too can never know all that needs to be known. I need your help."
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