"A difficult conversation is any conversation that might involve some conflict or disagreement."
In post #3 Communicating in Relationships that Aren't Working, I outlined the structure and content of difficult conversations, i.e. that all difficult conversations consist of three sub-conversations:
What happened
The feelings of each party
Our identity issues
Preparing for the What happened subconversation
Here I provide you with some practical steps you can take to prepare for the What Happened part of the conversation. In this preparation, you are enabled to adopt a learning approach rather than a conflictual approach by asking yourself questions about:
The facts of the situation
The intentions of both parties
The impact the situation had on each of you
The role of contribution as opposed to blame
To begin, though, it is necessary to understand that our approach to all conversations is derived from assumptions that generate goals. In a conversation that adopts a learning approach, the assumptions and goals are as follows.
Applying open-minded assumptions
The facts of the situation
Each of us has some information.
We each bring valuable interpretations of and perceptions about what happened.
Our intentions and impact
We know our intentions and what impact their actions had on us.
We do not know their intentions, nor what impact we had on them.
Our contributions
Blame is not effective. Both of us probably contributed to the situation.
The interaction between our respective contributions probably produced the results.
Applying goals that prioritise learning
The facts of the situation
Establish what facts exist
Share what we think happened and why we think it happened
Our intentions and impact
Establish that our intention is to learn more about the situation
Share what impact the situation had on each of us
Our contributions
Explore how we each contributed to the situation
Explore how our respective contributions gave rise to the result
Asking open questions that facilitate learning
In preparation for the conversation, I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions.
Gathering facts and interpretations
What do I think happened and why?
What do I not know and want to learn about the situation?
What facts, interpretations and perceptions do I want to share in the conversation?
What questions do I want to ask the other person about the facts, and their perceptions and interpretations?
Exploring intentions and impacts
What impact did the situation have on me?
What are my intentions in the conversation?
What information about the impact and my intentions do I want to share in the conversation?
What questions do I want to ask the other person about the impact it had on them, and their intentions in the conversation?
Discovering contributions
Do I think someone is to blame for the situation? If so, who?
How can I shift from blame to contribution?
What do I want to acknowledge about my contribution to the situation?
What do I want to ask them about their contribution to the situation?
A Two-Step Process
Discerning what information to share is a key part of building our communication competence. For example, it is probably not useful to share your initial version of events if that contains blame. Thus, you will note that the preparation for a difficult conversation is a two-fold process in which you:
Explore your own story
Uncover your own perceptions and feelings about the situation.
Have an opportunity to adjust your perceptions and feelings by applying a learning approach.
Prepare what you will say and ask in the conversation
Note how to share your learnings about the facts, intentions and impacts, and contributions with the other person
Create learning-oriented questions that you can ask the other person that will encourage them to adopt a learning approach too.
I encourage you to try this approach and let me know how it worked for you by mailing me or submitting the contact form on the site.
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