"Communication is a skill you can learn and relearn."
Most of my clients show up in coaching with at least one relationship in which communication is at least difficult and, at worst, currently absent. The foundations of these communication difficulties vary, but a common factor is at least some avoidance of conversations about topics that matter most to them and their relationships.
The process of building or rebuilding communication within relationships is always a complex one. And the communication challenges within each relationship vary from others. However, there are fundamental learnings and approaches that we can use as a starting point from which to learn or relearn how to speak about what is most important to ourselves and others.
How to Discuss What Matters Most
Relationships are a key focus of integral coaching training. And , in my studies towards the Professional Coaching certification with the Centre for Coaching, I was offered the opportunity to dive into multiple texts in addition to the methodologies provided by the course materials. One of these texts was Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project. It forms the basis of their training program, which you can learn more about here. They explain that the book arose from a need to support individuals and teams involved in negotiations, but that it has application across multiple contexts. In crafting a methodology that can guide us through difficult conversations, the authors drew on their own work and research in law, mediation and negotiation, as well as the findings in disciplines such as orgnaisational psychology, cognitive, social and family psychology, and work that explores the essentials of dialogue.
Understanding Difficult Conversations
To begin, the authors outline the characteristics of difficult conversations and how to shift our approach to these. In summary, they share that:
A difficult conversation is a complex conversation about things we find difficult to speak about.
The sources of these difficulties include situations in which our self-esteem or vulnerability are at play, the stakes are high, we care about the relationship with the other person in the conversation and/or the conversation requires some form of confrontation.
We can move from avoidance to effective engagement in such conversations by looking in new places and adopting new approaches. In doing so, we change the story. To change the story, however, we must first understand the structure of such conversations and their embedded subconversations, viz. What Happened, How we Feel, and What this Means About Us (Identity).
From One Conversation to Many Sub-conversations
From the above it is clear that by focusing on what is happening in the subconversations, we can build new capacities that allow for a more effective whole conversation.
What happened
The authors show that we spend most of our time in difficult conversations clarifying what happened, i.e. we attempt to establish truth, blame and intention. This approach is ineffective as it is highly subjective, contains assumptions & judgements, lacks curiosity and prevents learning. Rather, we need to establish a learning approach that invites contributions from the other and opens ourselves to changing our perspectives on ‘what happened’ and ‘why and how it happened’.
Feelings
Further, the authors clarify that we often avoid feelings and retreat into rationality. However, this disables us from addressing the feelings that inform our aims and approaches in difficult conversations. Instead, we need to acknowledge our feelings and express them in ways that encourage understanding by the other, but also do not shut down the validity and centrality of the other’s feelings.
Identity
In addition, the authors clarify the importance of identity as a subconversation and a subconscious contributor to the style and content of our difficult conversations. They emphasise that to be able to convert a difficult identity conversation into a learning conversation, we must become aware of how our self-concepts (Who am I? What Value do I Have?) are being challenged.
What does this mean for coaching?
The key learnings that I apply in my work with clients will help you understand that:
Story is at the core of all conversations, and therefore central to how you approach conversations.
By changing the story, you can change the nature, experience and outcomes of difficult conversations.
To change the story, you must first become aware of the existing story you and others have embedded in the three subconversations. You can develop awareness by adopting a learning approach. Within the supportive narrative of a learning approach, therefore:
What happened can become a co-created narrative that lets go of assumptions about truth, blame and intention in order to identify and validate the contributions of all parties in a non-judgemental manner. In this way, you can learn more and expand your understanding.
You can share feelings without judgement or without assigning responsibility for feelings to the other. In so doing, they can clear feelings before attempting to solve the problems.
You can share the identity issues that are coming up for you. You can ask about the other person’s identity issues. In so doing you can build a more complex understanding of your and the other person’s identity, and provide safety and security.
From theory to practice
In practice, this means that I offer clients new frameworks and models that they can draw on when preparing for difficult conversations. If this topic interests you, then I encourage you to read post #4 Preparing for Difficult Conversations in which I outline the first step in changing our approaches to communicating with others about what is most important to us and our relationships.
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